


darling so it goes

by annalyia



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gift Fic, Nightmares, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 13:47:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13342521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annalyia/pseuds/annalyia
Summary: sometimes even the strongest people need help





	darling so it goes

**Author's Note:**

> for [this](http://www.morgsmorgsmorgsblr.tumblr.com) fantastic gal

He’s heard that wise men say that only fools rush in.  Now, Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko would never have necessarily thought himself the wisest man in the world, but he also wouldn’t classify himself as a fool, either.  He’s always found himself to be objective when proper, formal when the situation calls for it. 

But, for some odd reason, he finds himself tripping over his words as he stares out over the Citadel with the Commander and Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams.  Something slips from his lips about how he finds the Commander beautiful.

It’s not like he’s lying, though.  Anyone could tell that Commander Lila Shepard is objectively (and, of course, subjectively) beautiful.  She’s got shoulder-length blonde hair (always tucked out of the way behind her ears) that Kaidan is willing to bet would be calming to gently card his fingers through.  Her green eyes get this sparkle, this shine, whenever she hears something that she can’t comment on for the sake of decency, of rank. 

Which is what they’re doing right now, as Kaidan blurts out his fledgling feelings that he’s been hoping he could keep internalized.

Oh well.

Ashley suppresses a smile as she comments on Kaidan’s lack of shore leave (not that she’s wrong).

Shepard thanks him for his kind words, but also less-than-delicately reminds him that this is neither the time nor the place.

Kaidan is glad that that’s all the reprimand he gets.  It’s never fun to have your CO yell at you.

A few weeks go by and he only slips up a couple more times – something about going to space to impress girls, an accidental comment on the Commander’s thighs when she and Ashley are doing a side-to-side comparison (Joker doesn’t let him live that one down). 

As the time passes, Kaidan thinks he’s come to get a pretty good understanding of his Commander.  She’s strict when it’s required of her, but she’s not a hard-ass.  She tends to keep her feelings and thoughts that aren’t mission-related to herself, doing her best to maintain most of her relationships on a professional level.  But, that doesn’t stop her from taking some down time with her crew, getting to know them.  She always makes sure to hear them out, be it about personal experiences or memories, or concerns for the ship, the crew, the mission.  Shepard is fair and understanding.

One night, he finds himself on patrol of the mess hall and surrounding areas of the _Normandy_.  He never really minds these late-night patrols, taking solace in the quiet, almost inaudible hum of the ship as it travels through the galaxy.  

This night, however, an out of place noise shatters his composure. 

It’s not anything loud (almost sounds like it’s muffled), but Kaidan knows exactly what it is _and_ where it’s coming from. 

A quiet, half-scream, followed by deep, heavy gasps and something similar to sobs. 

He still hasn’t quite wrapped his head around exactly who is so upset and why as he quickly drops what he’s doing and walks to the Commander’s door.  He raises a hand to knock, but hesitates.  He’s sure that she didn’t want anyone to notice, but he still hears her crying softly behind the door. 

Kaidan bounces on his toes, unsure of what to do in this situation.  Sure, he’s attracted to his Commander, but he doesn’t want to overstep any lines, any boundaries, be they unspoken or put in place by their superiors. 

A minute goes by as he mulls this over in his brain, fighting off the headache it’s causing, and Shepard still doesn’t stop crying. 

So he knocks.  Just a simple _tap, tap_ of his knuckles against the door. 

It slides open.

Kaidan is faced with a scene that no commanding officer ever wants their people to see.  Shepard is sitting up in her bed, a pillow between her chest and her thighs, knees pulled up to her chin, and arms wrapped around her legs.  Her green eyes are shining, but this time it is from the tears pooled in them and not her amusement. 

“C-commander?” Kaidan begins carefully.

Shepard slowly brings her eyes to his, a tired, sad smile on her face.  “Yes, Lieutenant?”

He takes a couple steps into her room, letting the door shut behind him.  “Is everything all right?”  He feels like an idiot asking her that.  Obviously, things aren’t fine.  She’s crying.  But at the same time, he knows that he’s breaking at least one reg by being here. 

She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear (a nervous tic?) before answering him.  “I appreciate the attempt at normalcy, Kaidan,” she says (he starts; she’s never used his first name before, always keeping in line).  She takes a deep, shaky breath, and Kaidan’s heart melts just a little, wondering what he can do.  “But I’m sure you’re just as aware as I am that everything isn’t exactly all right.”  She sighs, uncurls herself, and stretches her legs (and wiggles her toes.  Which is cute) as she moves to the edge of her bed, close enough for him to reach out and touch.  “I just…had a nightmare,” she finally admits, avoiding his gaze.  She wrings her hands together and Kaidan can tell that his Commander is once again fighting off tears.

“Commander—”

“Call me Shepard,” she says, a few tears falling.  “Or Lila.  Commander doesn’t fit in a situation like this.”

“Shepard,” he carefully begins, “is there anything I can do?”

She doesn’t answer.

He starts to turn, to take a step back because, well, he shouldn’t stay, this-this wasn’t right of him, coming in on his Commander like this, when she’s vulnerable, when she probably didn’t want people around—

But then her hand is reaching out, grabbing his wrist and gently tugging him back to her and back to reality.  “Stay,” she whispers.  It’s almost so quiet he misses it.  “Please.”

“Of course, Shepard,” he says.  He follows her lead and sits down on her bed, trying to keep about half a foot between them.

“No need to be so tense, Kaidan,” Shepard teases.  “I asked you to stay.”

“Okay, okay,” he murmurs. 

Shepard uses her free hand to wipe away a few of the stray tears she’s missed.  She lies back on her bed, bringing him with her.

He lies down, trying not to be stiff as a board, as his Commander—as Shepard— _Lila_ —lays her head down on his chest (he’s glad he’s built up enough muscle there over the years).  Her hand is resting on his belly and one of her legs has entwined with his.

He didn’t know she could be so intimate.

“I was on Akuze,” she says once she’s comfortable.  There’s a warm dampness spreading along Kaidan’s shirt that alerts him to her tears again.  “I’m sure you’ve heard of it.”

Kaidan nods.  He lifts his free hand (the other is wrapped around Lila) and runs his fingers through her hair, rubbing the ends between his fingers.  “A thresher maw wiped out a whole unit.”

“Well, almost a whole unit,” she corrects.  “I’m the only person who survived.”  The pain in her voice is so _real_ , so _raw_ that Kaidan holds her a little tighter.  “I still see them— _it_ —sometimes,” she tells him.  “I close my eyes and I’m back there, watching my whole unit get slaughtered, unable to do anything as we try to escape.”  She takes a shaky breath, hiccups. 

He doesn’t say anything.  Unsure of whether or not she wants an answer, or if she just wants someone to listen.

He decides listening is probably more of what she had in mind when she asked him to stay. 

After a little while, her breathing evening outs and Kaidan can tell she has calmed down. 

“Thanks,” she mumbles blearily.  “Having someone…helps.”

He thinks about answering, but Shepard is asleep before his brain can form any sort of response.

He just hopes that she gets enough rest (and that he doesn’t get reprimanded for, technically, abandoning his post). 

Kaidan is alone when he wakes up the next morning.  He blinks, confused by his surroundings.  But then he remembers.

This is the Commander—Shepard?—’s room. 

But she’s not here…

Kaidan sits up, rubbing a hand along his forehead.  He feels a headache coming on.  Taking a deep breath, he leaves Shepard’s room.  Thankfully, no one else is around at the moment, so he doesn’t have to bumble his way through any excuse as to why he was in the Commander’s quarters. 

After a few minutes, more of the crew begins to show up for breakfast in the mess hall.  One or two of them comment on how he’s awake earlier than usual, but he waves off their concerns and tells them not to worry. 

Shepard appears a little while later, talking quietly with Ashley as they exit the elevator.  Her gaze lingers slightly longer than normally on Kaidan, but her behavior doesn’t change much other than that during their meal.

Rank still applies, he sees. 

For the rest of the day, Kaidan notices that things are exactly the same between him and Shepard.  She treats him with the same civility as usual, but he does find that she stands a little closer to him, lets her touch linger a little longer. 

Their mission is pretty standard, too.  It’s just Shepard, Garrus, and Kaidan out on some planet in the ass-end of nowhere, trying to save yet another person who needs help.  It’s not that Kaidan doesn’t like helping people, it’s just that he feels like there are more pressing matters at hand. 

When they return, Shepard turns to both of them, a tired smile on her face.  “Good work out there today, boys,” she says. 

“Of course, Commander,” Garrus replies.  He dips his head in acknowledgment to her before heading out, leaving Kaidan with Shepard.

They stand there awkwardly, stowing their weapons and armor in their lockers. 

“Going up?” Kaidan asks as they walk towards the elevator.  He knows that she usually enjoys talking to her crew one-on-one after a mission.

Shepard pauses, chewing on her bottom lip as she thinks over her answer.  “Yeah, I think I am.”

Their elevator ride (however short it may be) is in complete silence. 

“Well, I-I’ll see you later, Commander,” Kaidan says as he steps off the elevator and towards his post.

“Kaidan,” Shepard says, hurriedly following him.  “Kaidan, wait.”

He tenses as her hand closes around his wrist, stops him from moving.  “Yes?”

“It’s late,” she says.  “Shouldn’t you be getting to bed instead of work?”

“Can’t sleep,” he replies automatically.  It’s not exactly a lie.  His headaches can make it damn near impossible to sleep sometimes. 

“Me neither,” she tells him.  She smiles again, this one more playful than the last few he’s seen on her.  “But,” she begins carefully, oh so carefully, “I slept pretty well last night.”

“Me too,” Kaidan says, just as carefully. 

“Stay again?” she asks softly, meeting his eyes.  There’s a silent plea in her expression, but Kaidan also sees a faint hint of resignation, like she expects him to turn her down.

“Of course, Shepard,” he says.  He watches her face brighten, feels her hand move from his wrist to hand, holding it. 

“It’s Lila,” she corrects him as she pulls him to her room, thankful that the rest of the crew just so happens to not be around at the moment.  The door slides open softly and she leads him to her bed, pulls him down next to her, and settles herself comfortably (and intimately) against him, just like last night.  “Thanks,” she murmurs as she nestles her face into his chest.  “I mean it.”

“Yeah, no problem, Lila,” he replies, her name easily rolling off his tongue.  He presses a gentle kiss against her head.  “Sleep well.”

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday morgs!!! i hope you like your annual birthday fic (that is actually out on time this year!!!!) :D
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated :)


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